Lagrange 3

2003-04-14T09:15:00.000Z

Thought for the Day

Fact: You can draw out excess salt from a meal by putting in a raw potato.
You can draw out spilt red wine from a carpet using salt.

Conclusion: You can draw out surplus potatoes by using salt.

2002-07-23T11:21:00.000Z

A thought

I've lost count of the number of times I've been told that "your brain is the largest sex organ." That's quite blatantly untrue! The largest sex organ is your skin. Why, without your skin I doubt you would enjoy sex very much at all.

2002-05-21T18:57:00.000Z

Monday
Tuesday
Friday..? The mind boggles.

2002-05-19T19:25:00.000Z

Tip of the day

To tell if you have bad breath:

Lick your wrist
Wait ten seconds for it to dry
Sniff your wrist

Disclaimer: Doesn't work if your wrists normally smell bad, or if your breath smells very strongly of wrist.

2002-04-02T17:09:00.000Z

Today's offering - a snail. Hooray.

I have coined a term for my lassitude since I got glandular fever. I have Post Viral Laziness. That should buy me some more time off work...

2002-02-08T22:15:00.000Z

Stare into the eyes of the scary stary man

Astonishing rich-media internet experience! Look into the eyes of the little man. Move your head backwards and forwards, while remaining focussed on the face. The circles will appear to rotate! Also you will appear to have gone mad if anyone happens to be watching you..

2001-12-28T06:04:00.000Z

Lord of the Rings Drinking Game

Go see the film - it's ace. Take a bottle of vodka or, I don't know, MD 20/20 in with you. Have a drink every time

a hobbit does something really stupid that could ruin everything
someone remembers the echoey words of someone wise (two drinks if it's Gandalf)
the camera plummets from some mind-numbing height into stygian depths lit only with a baleful flickering glow
someone says something, then shouts it very loud (two drinks if it's "Run. Run!!!")
someone rides a horse in slow-motion
there is an absolutely huge set of steps

There are probably a lot better ones that I can't think of right now. Still an excellent film, though. Definitely going to see it again, despite the dodgy dialogue..

2001-12-22T14:19:00.000Z

Thought of the Day

Fact: Scientists at New York's Pace University have found "no scientific evidence" of the existence of the so-called G-spot.

Conclusion: This is more information than I needed to know about the sex lives of scientists at New York's Pace University.

Conclusion 2: I have at last reached the bottom of the barrel.

2001-12-17T09:11:00.000Z

"brilliantly realised, an exotic, hyper-real English countryside"
"a quite thrilling spectacle, densely textured, handsomely played and surprisingly light on its feet"
"a piece of wonderment beyond anything crafted for the cinema in a long time"
"made by a genius masquerading as a normal human being"
Admittedly these journalists are referring to the Lord of the Rings film. But, had they seen it, I'm sure they would be saying the same things about Giant Bee.

2001-12-17T07:57:00.000Z

Ever made up an incredibly clever password for a site? Something no-one would ever guess? Then forgotten it completely? Er, no. Me neither. Would never do anything that stupid.

2001-10-20T08:16:00.000Z

Thank goodness

I am so glad Kurzweil CyberArt have come up with this.. it will leave me much more quality time to file things and add numbers together.

2001-09-05T15:00:00.000Z

So I officially have glandular fever

I've got the test results and everything. The doctor rang me up specifically to tell me not to kiss anybody. That's pretty cool, in a James Bond/Mickey Spillane "my lips are deadly" kind of way.

Of course it's pretty depressing in a "my god, I'm a social leper" kind of way too. Hope it goes soon before I crack up and go on a city-wide licking spree and they have to gun me down like the mad dog that I am.

My friend Helen just made the point that this 'no kissing' business could be just what I need to jump-start my career as a high-class prostitute. Hmm. There's a thought.

2001-08-10T20:55:00.000Z

Not Exclusive!

In fairly typical style let mine be the third or fourth website to link to my own flash movie - Jada! Enjoy. Possibly. (not to be taken internally may aid weight loss only as part of a calorie-controlled diet)

2001-06-26T12:23:00.000Z

Thought for the day

Fact: A green banana is full of starchy carbohydrates, providing long-term energy reserves. However, the longer the banana is left, the more starch converts to sugars, giving a shorter-term energy boost.

Conclusion: Nature is capable of far more profound and bitter irony than could ever be dreamed of by mortal men.

2001-06-25T08:59:00.000Z

Purple Ronnie: The Truth IV

2001-06-24T12:33:00.000Z

Purple Ronnie: The Truth III

2001-06-24T12:31:00.000Z

The Lettuce Crisis failing to materialise, spending the last month in an airtight bunker full of legumes was perhaps ill-advised. No matter.

2001-05-17T19:15:00.000Z

Troubling news

There is a Lettuce Famine. Because of a national shortage of the leafy vegetable, lettuce prices could as much as double. Oh dear god, no.

2001-05-16T19:20:00.000Z

Purple Ronnie: The Truth II

2001-05-16T15:35:00.000Z

Chupacabras has a moment of clarity

2001-05-07T07:40:00.000Z

When will this EU madness end?

It seems that councillors in Vienna have now made it illegal to fish using a line trailing from a plane or other fast moving vehicle. It is now also illegal to hunt deer with explosives, in order to bring the Austrian city "in line with EU legislation." Folly. If we don't use the very best military hardware against animals, then what are we to do with it? Obviously it would be barbaric to turn weapons against our fellow human. And, believe me, if a fox had a rocket launcher he would not hesitate to use it on you, possibly utilising a Heckler & Koch MP53 for close-up work in your chicken coop afterwards. Damn them. Damn them all to hell.

2001-05-06T18:01:00.000Z

HTML Movies - Retrospective

Since the HTML movie phenomenon is now over by about four or five days, it seems the time is ripe for a retrospective of the movement that, to some, proved the internet’s preeminence in the presentation of fully immersive multimedia content..

To the tsluts mailing list, and mainly Rob, the HTML movie is not illusion!

Today a technological storm is raging of which the result is the elevation of cosmetics to God. By using new technology anyone at any time can wash the last grains of truth away in the deadly embrace of sensation.
The illusions are everything the movie can hide behind>

The tsluts mailing list, and mainly Rob, counters the film of illusion by the presentation of an indisputable set of rules known as MIDI FILES AND DANCING CRAP.

Classics of the genre

Genre-defining classic the internet killed the video star
The classic, seminal road movie steppenwolf!
Made for TV science fiction classic Knight Rider
Hairytongue's impressively encyclopaedic (and classic) Museum of the Damned
My own humble effort, capturing the excitement of a performance by Guns'n'Roses live from castle donnington. A classic too, obviously.

2001-05-05T20:56:00.000Z

Words that McDonald’s has tried to trademark:

McFamily
McBaby
McTime
McLife
McSpaceShuttle..

..at least according to Harper’s Magazine. Something of an anti-McDonald’s weekend in the papers. Apparently the fast food giant is the world’s largest purchaser of satellite imagery. It uses a computer system to pick where the next franchise will open. Apparently the computer chose a site 1 mile from Dachau as an appropriate venue. Apparently for a brief period the company distributed leaflets saying, “Welcome to Dachau and welcome to McDonald’s.” Freaky.

2001-05-02T16:39:00.000Z

Purple Ronnie: The Truth

2001-04-13T15:48:00.000Z

No thoughts for a while. My apologies. Please hold. Here is a picture of a dog with his chicken friend to enjoy until normal service is resumed.

2001-03-29T02:22:00.000Z

Thought of the Day

Fact: Scientists have found that men's hair grows faster when they think they are about to have sex.

Conclusion: Men with a lot of hair are fooling themselves most of the time.

2001-03-24T22:07:00.000Z

Some moneyspinning ideas from the white-hot crucible of my creativity:

Possibly the last uniformed profession to remain unexploited by strippergrams: the lollipop lady. I think this is a winner. They could suddenly jump out in front of your car and start taking their clothes off. Could play around with those big stop signs, too.
Breakfast food that you can eat in the shower because you've woken up too late. I am thinking something like porridge in a great big toothpaste-type tube. Still need to develop this as you would need your hands free to wash yourself. Possibly it would be better to use some sort of waterproof nosebag.
A call-out service for bikes. Sparked by the fact that I got another puncture on Monday. The pattern of my life lately seems to be that I ride my bike to some almost inconceivably distant point, the tyre goes flat and I am forced to literally carry my bike the many, many miles back home. Should stop now as I checked the tyre and found that I apparently ran over a syringe some time in the recent past. Unwoo.

2001-03-24T21:39:00.000Z

This week's Odds-On Favorites

Tim Parkinson of The Unbearable Shiteness of Being writes:

Sid James spanked away his Carry On Millions by betting on the nags. "Roo-ha ha hahhaha 2/1 at Newmarket"

Follow the great man's example by placing your bets on the following sub-onion vignettes.

Ker-chinnnng!

Eamon Holmes white hot light entertainment juggernaut continues to flatten everything in its path.	2/1
Tax surplus to be spent on blowing cocaine up nation's arse.	4/3
Well-off gay couple book city break.	5/2
Next Daft Punk album inspired by Picady Witch and Bubbla Ranx.	EVENS
Vanessa's weight loss to form refreshing meat substitute.	2/3
Robin Cook licking too much pussy	5/1
Partygoer mentally stretched with pleasantries.	2/9
NME readers vote McNugget Gold Rush best live event of 2001.	8/2
Office temp flicks through Heat magazine and picks disinterestedly at yoghurt in lunch hour.	7/1
Black private dick, sex machine with all the chicks.	9/1
Radiohead to record album only they can hear.	EVENS
Drugs fail to relieve boredom, self worth.	EVENS
New Nokia phone powered exclusively by wheatbeer and 2 step.	9/1
Manic Street Preachers record song about life in Maddington Donkey Sanctuary.	9/1
Connex unveil new aerodynamic coffin-shaped trains.	4/1
Phat awaits call from News Huddlines	EVENS

2001-03-21T01:18:00.000Z

Thought of the day

Fact: women are slightly more acidic than men. Cosmetic and sanitary products are formulated slightly differently because of the differing pH values of the sexes.

Conclusion: Men: do not use your girlfriend's soap or you will be horribly burned.

2001-03-21T01:17:00.000Z

Some facts about cockroaches

The cockroach is proportionately the world's fastest land animal. Experimenters have found that two cockroaches running against each other will run faster than an individual cockroach. Cockroaches will run faster if they are being watched by other cockroaches. If you cut off a cockroach's head it will eventually die of starvation. One day cockroaches will rule over all. All.

Conclusion: funny things, cockroaches.

2001-03-16T16:39:00.000Z

All your style issues solved:

In	Out
Mind control techniques
Vulcan mind meld	Brainwashing
Hypnosis	Microchips
James Bond Films
Octopussy	Live and Let Die
View to a Kill	Dr No
Brides of Henry VIII
Anne Boleyn	Jayne Seymour
Media
FT	The Guardian
Members of the Beatles
	Richard Starkey
	John Lennon
	Paul McCartney
	George Harrison
Tread patterns
Cross-ply	Radial
Sea food
King prawn	Madagascan king prawn
Deodorants
Mum	Sure
Cooking ingredients
Eggs	Flour
Dead rock stars
Mama Cass	Jimi Hendrix
Fat Elvis	Young Elvis
Old skool sweets
Cola bottles	Flying saucers
Pixie dust	Angel dust
Garden tools
Strimmer	Hoe
Flymo	Secateurs
Girls' names
Angie	Patsy
Bernadette	Zola
Valedictions
Pip-pip	Toodle-oo
Poisonous mushrooms
Fly Agaric	Death Cap
The Destroying Angel	Puffballs
Things of minor consequence
Peccadilloes	Bagatelles
Animals
Cod	Monkeys
Guppies	Blennies
Congenital deformities
Cleft palate	Club foot
Women over 40
Pam Ayres	Madonna
Jackie Collins	Your mum
Men over 40
Alwyn Crawshaw	Rolf Harris
Brian Sewell	Tony Hart
Supermarkets
Marks & Spencer's	Co-op
Sainsbury's	Asda
Parts of the female anatomy
Thighs	Nipples
Breasts	Knuckles
Emotions
Glee	Fury
Schadenfreude	Lust
Roofing materials
Asbestos	Thatch
Tin	Slate
Deadly sins
Sloth
Evil androids
Cybermen	Decepticons
Buses
543	510
542	501
Catholic iconography
Sacred Heart	Rosary
Colours
Turquoise	Azure
Scarlet	Crimson
Bellybutton types
Outies	Innies
French landmarks
Pompidou Centre	Le Massif Central
	The Rue Morgue
Internet games
Monkey Invaders	Gak Attack

(written by dave & rob last night.... )

2001-03-13T15:30:00.000Z

Thought for the day

A small mind is a tidy mind.

2001-03-12T16:37:00.000Z

Deja poo

Being a somewhat visual kind of person, I tend to store influential images in kind of internal gallery. As a matter of habit, after an enjoyable bowel movement I naturally glance into the bowl to see the results of my exertions and on many occasions have been lucky enough to witness a remarkable doppelganger of a previous creation. I wonder how many other great scatologists have experienced this kind of 'deja poo'? This phenomenon took a leap into anothr realm the other day when I fried up a couple of juicy pork sausages for my tea. A couple of hours later, having answered the call of nature, I gazed with confusion and awe at the sight of these sausages beautifully reassembled and nestling side-by-side in the toilet pan. A kind of cacsimile, if you will. Is this just coincidence or should I write to Arthur C. Clarke? I wish I'd taken a photograph.

2001-03-12T13:56:00.000Z

Met this guy the other day...

His name is Kev. He was the guitarist in Dexy's Midnight Runners between 1981 and 1985. This is him looking bored and reading Q Magazine, while I fail to make conversation. Bet you don't have as rock'n'roll a life as me.

2001-03-12T13:48:00.000Z

Thought for the Day

Fact: When you walk around outside you are carrying an eight-mile-high column of air on top of your head. When you are in your home you are carrying a three-foot high column of air on top of your head.

Conclusion: Stay in your home.

2001-02-17T15:42:00.000Z

My computer has started making strange noises at night. A few months ago I found a snail in my Zip drive so I fear the worst. it is probably mice. My computer set up is gradually being reclaimed by nature. My printer has stopped working too. The ink nozzle could be clogged with baby weasels.

2001-02-11T11:14:00.000Z

Unsuccessful video night tonight. My suggestion - Boys Don't Cry. Good film. Didn't realise it was quite so dark, though. New housemate John came in to find us peeking through our fingers at the screen during a particularly harrowing extended torture scene. Kind of stilted the conversation. Hope we haven't made the wrong impression. Tonight's big stories: the Swiss Army is to disband its bicycle-riding elite brigade. Apparently the bikes feature special fold-out compartments and clips so they can carry machine guns and stuff. They're military hardware so you can't export them. Also: dogs with heart problems are being fitted with pacemakers. All well and good, but they're being taken from dead people. I think that's a bit creepy. Although possibly a good basis for a horror/romantic comedy film. Sure those'll be the big discussion topics next week. Oh yeah, a lot of business deals have happened and there's a war on.

2001-02-11T11:05:00.000Z

So this potato is run over on the way to the chip shop. He wakes up in hospital and the doctor tells him he has some good news and some bad news. The potato says "Give me the good news first. " The doctor says, "We've managed to save your eyes." "So what's the bad news?" asks the potato. The doctor replies, "I'm afraid you're going to be a vegetable for the rest of your life." Aha ha. The Daily Star is the best paper today for this joke and for the slightly troubled tone of the technology column. Sony's new bioluminescent screens are "almost enough to make you want to stay alive for the next two years." "Store whatever you want. I couldn't give a monkey's." Excellent stuff, sort of. Work is hell at the mo, as ever, but in quite an entertaining way. The Daily Mail has just called for cannabis to be legalised and the Guardian wants stricter controls on immigration (because they're taking our jobs etc). These are truly the last days. Apparently some bloke in America has invented the Orgasmotron. It's an implanted signal generator in your spine. Which is all well and good, but the pictures show that it's activated via a remote control. Perhaps it's just me but I don't understand the need to trigger an orgasm from twenty feet away. Oh well actually maybe I do. Don't know if I mentioned this a while back, but Drew Barrymore wants to be cremated when she dies, then fed to her cat. This is, apparently, so that she can "live on forever inside him." Er loads more where that came from - reading too many tabloids. Babbling, overtired, better get off to life drawing.